play: women who talk too much

Women Who Talk Too Much And The Microphones That Love Them

Written by and Starring Micki Moore
Poor Alex Theatre
Toronto, Ontario
October/November, 2002
Director Ian Ferguson
Assistant Director Kurt Spenrath
Musical Director Bill Chornomaz
Lighting and Sound Design Tony Lipford and Jason Golinsky
Set Design Camella Koo
Costumes Simone Plusa and Pamela Hamilton
Stage Manager Steve Eastwood

Table Of Contents

Zelda Rifkin

Zelda: Honored friends, family and rabbits... I mean, Rabbis. I never make speeches, but my dear husband, Mendel (LOOKS TO HIM FOR ENCOURAGEMENT) I’m ok, I’m ok, Mendel. He says I should just get up and say what’s in my heart. This is what’s in my heart. (HER EYES LOCK ONTO HER SON) To Zachariah, our little Bar Mitzvah man, you were terrific. You are our “nachas” in neon lights, you are our pride and joy (STARTS TO CRY) ...and our largest household expense (SHE SOBS).

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Gunda Von Hossen

I don’t vant to be alone anymore. (DOG GOES CRAZY, yap, yap, yap). Sorry, Shnopsy. WE don’t vant to be alone anymore. (Kiss, kiss, Gunda loves him)

Of course you know who I am, you’ve seen my movies.

I know you all vant to look like me. You all vant this face, but you can’t have it, it’s mine. But you can vatch it morning, noon and night as fur-teen camechras move into my house and follow my efery move, (THE DOG YAP, YAP, YAPS) and of course, Shnopsy’s every move. (Gunda loves him..kiss, kiss). On my show, you’ll be able to see how a chreal shtar walks across the room, (DEMONSTRATES) and turns on the light svitch, how a chreal shtar picks up a pencil and how a chreal star has a sip of water. Just Vatch! (SHE SIPS WATER)

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Yvette Mumu

Yvette: (GUSHING, PUCKERED AND NAIVELY SEDUCTIVE BLONDE BOMBSHELL FLUTTERS & POSES UP TO THE MICROPHONE) I am... How (ow) you say in English... “flabbergasted” to win zee best act-ress award for my “Pick-le On A Stick” commercial.

Everrrytime I nibbled zhat little pick-le on TV, the hole world stopped to watch me “do it.” (PAUSE) Oooh oui! I like zhat. My acting coach, Bob Loblaw showed me what to do with zee pick-le.

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Cornelia Oglebottom

Cornelia: (LITTLE OLD LADY SHUFFLES TO THE MICROPHONE) It’s so good to see all of you again. For those few congregants, who don’t know me, I’m Cornelia Oglebottom, Treasurer of this Trinity Anglican Church. And every Sunday night, I lead the bible study group. I am also addicted to pornography and the stock market.

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Felicia Geez

Felicia: (MUMBLES A FEW WORDS) Here’s a little something I wrote about the most important thing that happened in my life. I hope you dig it. (SHE THEN INCOHERENTLY TUNES UP HER VOICE, WITH GUTTERAL OFF BEAT FUNNY SOUNDS, AS THE BAND VAMPS UP)

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Lady Penelope Askwith III

Lady Askwith: Celibacy, as you all know, is the state of abstaining from sexual relations, for indefinite periods of time. My name is Lady Penelope Askwith III and I am proud to say, I am a born again virgin! I began to practice celibacy every Saturday afternoon between 2:15 and 4:00 p.m. And I found it worked very well for me. Without all that mucking about in the bed, I could pursue my other passions, which are the royal family... and... finding a cure for snoring. Many of you are here because you are interested in becoming celibate. And I say, jolly good for you. You are in very good company. There are many, many famous celibates: Joan of Arc, Elizabeth Taylor, no, no, no, I mean Queen Elizabeth I, Mahatma Gandhi. Think of Mahat. He never ate and he never had sex and dahlings, he looked wonderful. Just to test his resolve, Mahat, bless his pure soul, would sleep naked with beautiful young women. I’m sure one of them must have whispered in his ear “Have a cookie, Mahat, no one will know.” But with Mahat, it was... No cookie, no nookie!

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Muffy Meredith

As you all know, I’m Winfrey Meredith. My good friends call me “Muffy.” As President of the Women’s Auxiliary of the Timothy Beaton Presbyterian Hospital, it is my honor to welcome our new doctors. (HER EYES SEARCH THE AUDIENCE FOR DR. SLOOMP)

Dr. Jeremiah Sloomp has joined our staff here at Timothy B’s. When I first met Dr. Sloomp, I didn’t notice that he was black. Honestly, it took me 10 minutes to realize he was a Negro. Then, of course, I looked into his eyes, and you know what I saw?? I saw Afff..rica.


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Miriam Meisel

Miriam: It’s so nice of all y’all to gather for the 21st anniversary of little ole me becoming a Canadian. (FLIPS PARISOL OVER TO REVEAL HER FACE.) Go leafs go! Ooh! It’s so cute when they bash their little heads into the boards. (SHE FLIRTATIOUSLY TITTERS AND GIGGLES). I know what you must be asking. How does a shy, southern, polish, Jewish girl named Miriam Meisel, leave the bayous of Louisiana and end up somewhere “slightly north of Montana” and becomes Micki Moore. (WEDDING MARCH PLAYS, HER FRILLY UMBRELLA TURNED UPSIDE DOWN BECOMES A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. SHE HURRIES TO BACK OF STAGE AND SLOWLY MARCHES UP THE AISLE WITH AN INNOCENT, GIDDY LOOK ABOUT HER)

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