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play: women who talk too much


Muffy Meredith

MUSIC: BOUNCY INTRO MUSIC

(CONSERVATIVELY DRESSED, WITH GREY HAIR, GRANNY GLASSES AND A LARGE ABSURD HAT, MUFFY MEREDITH, HEAVY BOSOMED, LARGE DERRIERE WADDLES TO THE MICROPHONE)

As you all know, I’m Winfrey Meredith. My good friends call me “Muffy”. As President of the Women’s Auxiliary of the Timothy Beaton Presbyterian Hospital, it is my honor to welcome our new doctors. (HER EYES SEARCH THE AUDIENCE FOR DR. SLOOMP)

Dr. Jeremiah Sloomp has joined our staff here at Timothy B’s. When I first met Dr. Sloomp, I didn’t notice that he was black. Honestly, it took me 10 minutes to realize he was a Negro. Then, of course, I looked into his eyes, and you know what I saw?? I saw Afff...rica.

(SHE SUDDENLY BECOMES AWARE OF THE DISCOMFORT HER WORDS HAVE CAUSED. SHE BECOMES SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED)

Oh dear, I do believe I made a faux pas. I shouldn’t have used the word, “Negro”, I should have said Afff..rican American, which makes no sense to what so ever, since he is a Canadian of Jamaican descent. Well then again, sometimes I call my hat, a chapeau, and other times, my chapeau, a hat. I don’t quite get it... but c’est la vie!

I’d also like to welcome (HER EYES SEARCH THE AUDIENCE) Dr. Abraham Green... schteen, who is not black. Of course, I noticed that right away. He is Jewww... ish! Welcome! Sha... looom! Dr. Green... schteen, we want you to feel at home at our little medical kee... boots. On a personal level, I want you to know that some of my best friends are Jeeeewwwws. So please know that my hospital is your hospital. And in the sprit of multiculturalism, we’re serving gee-filty fish and I’ve special ordered some kosher bacon bits for the ceaser salad, along with the fried chicken.

Now from In-ja, I’d like to welcome Dr. Sari Sa... hhharra to Timothy B’s. (MUFFY NOTICES SOMETHING ABOUT DR.SAHARA AND WHISPERS LOUDLY) Dr. Sahara, there’s a little smudge on your forehead. But I’ll talk to you about it in the ladies room later on. (MUFFY GETS DISTRACTED BY HER OWN THOUGHTS)

I’ve been to In-ja many times, in season of course. The Taj Mahal by moonlight is exquisite.

Dr. Sahari is Hindu; she worships a cow. (LONG THOUGHTFUL PAUSE)

Which I never quite understood... how a cow can be a holy person. We bar-b-que them.

Many of you have asked how these staff changes at Timothy B’s came about. I must take some of the credit. Well, I must take all the credit. Several months ago, my driver took ill and I had a very important appointment with my esthetician, who is, by the way, Bulgarian. So for the first time, on my own, I descended into the subway. When I was sitting on the “tube”, I could not get over the multi-ethnicities of the people around me. They wore those funny wrap around hats and drapey, baggy costumes. I’m sure most of them could ride a camel. One man even smelled of curry. Honestly, I could have been in Sumbara, Botswana, not the heart of Toronto. It was shocking, but so exciting. Honestly, I thought it was Halloween. But when I rose up, out of the Rosedale station, I had an epiphany. This hospital, the Timothy Beaton Pressss... byterian Hospital, can’t just serve our kind of people, it must serve all kinds of people, including those subway kind of people.

To celebrate Timothy B’s, as our new little medical united nations, I picked up the urban beat of the subway and I wrote this little song.

MUSIC: STRONG, HARD RAP BEAT POUNDS

(MUFFY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE PODIUM, WITH HER HANDBAG OVER HER ARMS AND WEARING WHITE GLOVES, & ORTHOPEDIC SHOES AND SHE STARTS A RAP NUMBER, DOING HIP HOP MOVEMENTS)

I’m a chick

And I’m sick

Needa doctor real quick

Ate curry on a bun

Call 911

(MUFFY DOES AWKWARD HIP HOP MOVE FOR 4 BEATS)

If you’re Yiddish

Or you’re British

And you’re feeling kinda skittish

If you’re black

Or you’re white

With a fever out of sight

Come to Timothy B’s (SILENT 3, 4)

No user fees (SILENT 3, 4)

We take fake ids (SILENT 3, 4)

Serve black eyed peas (SILENT 3, 4)

If you’re... unitarian

Or rastafarian

Or non-sectarian

Or himaylarian

Come to Timothy B’s (SILENT 3, 4)

No user fees (SILENT 3, 4)

We take fake ids (SILENT 3, 4)

Serve black eyed peas (SILENT 3, 4)

(MUFFY POSES IN AN EXAGGERATED RAP POSE)

(SPEAKS) That’s the Timothy Beaton PresssÉbyterian Hospital

Yo dog, umm gee, ask for me “Muffy D”.

MUSIC UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE

EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (SHOWN ON SCREEN OR SET)

Muffy Meredith still has an incurable case of “Foot In Mouth” disease.

She was recently asked to resign from the hospital committee on racial and cultural diversity because of her demanding tour schedule and her constant use of the word “pickaninies.”

To better understand “subway people,” she has ridden a camel, visited mecca and driven a taxi.

She bought herself a summer home in the jane-finch corridor, and starts each morning with a piping hot bowl of curried oatmeal and goat.

download full manuscript pdf

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