play: women who talk too much
A BAR MITZVAH MOTHER, WHO NEVER DRINKS, HAS BEEN PLIED WITH COCKTAILS BY HER FAMILY, IN ORDER TO HELP HER GET UP THE COURAGE TO SPEAK. SHE STAGGERS TO THE MICROPHONE.
MUSIC: TYPICAL JEWISH MUSIC, PLAYED AT A BAR MITZVAH
(V.O.) “Ladies and gentlemen, a quick switch in the program: Zelda, mother of the bar mitzvah boy, has been persuaded to come up and say a few words. Put your hands together for Zelda Rifkin.”
Zelda: Honored friends, family and rabbits... I mean, Rabbis. I never make speeches, but my dear husband, Mendel (LOOKS TO HIM FOR ENCOURAGEMENT) I’m ok, I’m ok, Mendel. He says I should just get up and say what’s in my heart. This is what’s in my heart. (HER EYES LOCK ONTO HER SON) To Zachariah, our little Bar Mitzvah man, you were terrific. You are our “nachas” in neon lights, you are our pride and joy (STARTS TO CRY) ...and our largest household expense (SHE SOBS).
I’m fine, Mendel, no, no let me finish.
I look at my beautiful son, Zachariah and I see my husband; the same eyes, the same mannerisms. They are like two peas in a pod. You should see them both sit, in their underwear, scratching themselves, like 2 friggin’ hockey zombies, in front of that (MAKES A HUGE LARGE SCREEN GESTURE) big screen, (LOUD VOICE) surround sound TV. (WHISPERS IN MIKE) I swear to you, if they could crap in their pants, they wouldn’t move for three days. (MENDEL TRIES TO HUSH HER). I know, Mendel, shouldn’t have said, (MOUTHS WORD) “crap”. (PREGNANT PAUSE) Now I want to talk about the dead people. I’d like to take a moment to think of those who are here in spirit, but no longer with us. Zaidy Morris, Uncle Nertz and Nana Nunu. When I told Zachariah his beloved Nana Nunu had died, he looked up from his video game, his little eyes filled up with tears and he said, (CHILD’S VOICE) “Who killed her?”
Well, these shoes are killing me. (TAKES OFF ONE HIGH HEEL) Zacahariah, I should never have worn these fuck me pumps to your Bar Mitzvah. (CATCHES HERSELF, EMBARRASSED) I shouldn’t have said that, I should have called them my “Poke me with the remote control for a two minute time out” pumps. (TIME OUT HAND SIGNALS)
(HER MOTHER TRIES TO STOP HER; ZELDA FLIPS TO ANGER) Mom, I knew you would have something to say, my mother always has something to say! You never let me speak. My mother... my mother (ALMOST TELLS HER OFF, BUT THEN COMES TO HER SENSES, FLIPS MOOD) I need to thank my mother. I couldn’t have planned this Bar Mitzvah without her. She picked everything you see on your table; the linens, the wine glasses, (SEES YUCKY FOOD), those lumpy, scaly brown things on your plate. She even chose my underwear; I’m wearing this merry widow thing with a thong up my ass. (SAVORS FEELING OF THONG) Oh Mendel, you could learn a thing from this thong... (DRUNKENLY BELTS OUT A TUNE) Thing a thong, sing a song, sing out loud, sing along. (HER MOTHER TRIES TO STOP HER AGAIN. SHE GETS ANGRY) Oh Mother, shut up! This is my party! Can’t you see I’m singing from my heart!?! (EXASPERATED) Mother, sometimes you are right and sometimes you are wrong. You were right about the thong, (STICKS HER ASS OUT), see, no visible panty line, but you were wrong about Mendel. He is NOT one sandwich, short of a banquet. Mendel is smart, Mom. He taught me to put my grocery list on a Palm Pilot and all my recipes are on a DVD & a MP3. I don’t know how to play them... (MENDEL STANDS UP AND TRIES TO GET HER TO SIT DOWN) No MENDEL, YOU SIT DOWN! I want to speak from my heart. And I have something to say to you. It is an honor to be your wife Mendel, and Zachariah (SHE STARTS TO WEEP) it is a privilege to be your mother. But if I could follow my dream, I would want to be Martha Stewart. Look! See all those flowers in the centerpieces; I picked them myself from my own garden. And those napkin rings you’re holding, I macramed those myself out of old tampax strings. And I swear to you, if I could lay my own eggs, I would. (WALKS AWAY, MUMBLING) My heart likes to speak. It’s easy.
MUSIC: UP, THEN FADES OUT BEHIND EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V. O. (FLASHED ON SCREEN OR SET)
Over the next six months, Zelda made it to step five of her 12-step program.
Unfortunately, she fell off the wagon.
After getting loaded at a reception at the YMCA, she took a swing at Sheila Copps.
She is now doing time, just like her idol, Martha Stewart.
They’ve been corresponding on the best ways to decorate an eight by ten foot cell with environmentally friendly macramé.
Her husband, Mendel, and son, Zachariah, are still watching the playoffs on the big screen, surround sound tv.
They never noticed that Zelda no longer lives in the house.Back to top