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play: women who talk too much
Gunda Von Hassen
MUSIC: NOSTALGIC MUSIC FROM THE 1930s
(A DRAMATIC CAPED FIGURE, SEEN FROM THE BACK, IS POSED IN THE SPOTLIGHT)
(V.O.) THE NOSTALGIA TELEVISION NETWORK IS PROUD TO PRESENT, IT’S NEW “CELEBRITY REALITY” SHOW WITH FILM LEGEND, GUNDA VAN HOSSEN. THOUGH GUNDA HAS KEPT A LOW PROFILE FOR THE PAST 32 YEARS, SHE OPENS HER HEART AND HER HOME TO HER LEGIONS OF FANS. LADIES & GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS: THE SPOTLIGHT HAS NEVER LEFT HER: MISS GUNDA VAN HOSSEN.
(LIGHTS UP: GUNDA MAKES A DRAMATIC TURN TO FACE THE AUDIENCE. HER SHAGGY DOG, SHNOPSY, IS HIDDEN IN HER ARMS. SHE SPEAKS WITH A THICK EUROPEAN ACCENT)
I don’t vant to be alone anymore. (DOG GOES CRAZY, yap, yap, yap). Sorry, Shnopsy. WE don’t vant to be alone anymore. (Kiss, kiss, Gunda loves him)
Of course you know who I am, you’ve seen my movies.
I know you all vant to look like me. You all vant this face, but you can’t have it, it’s mine. But you can vatch it morning, noon and night as fur-teen camechras move into my house and follow my efery move, (THE DOG YAP, YAP, YAPS) and of course, Shnopsy’s every move. (Gunda loves him..kiss, kiss). On my show, you’ll be able to see how a chreal shtar walks across the room, (DEMONSTRATES) and turns on the light svitch, how a chreal shtar picks up a pencil and how a chreal star has a sip of water. Just Vatch! (SHE SIPS WATER)
Tzis part is so fascinated; ve vill do it in slow motion. (SIPS WATER IN EXAGGERATED SLOW MOTION TO “CHARIOTS OF FIRE” MUSIC & SOUND EFFECTS OF GUNDA AND SHNOPSY SIPPING WATER). Oh! For tzis close up shot, I had my elbows bo-toxed. (DISPLAYS HER HIDDEN ELBOWS) I know you all vant to be like me, but you can’t, you can’t. My life is fachr more interesting than youchrs could efer be.
I’ve had fur husbands, maybe five, twenty-four lofers and two hundred and seventeen one-night shtands, no, two hundred and nineteen, if you count tzhe twins. So, for tzhe first episode of my series, I’m having a bo tox party for all tzose men who are schtill alive and vant to show and tell.
My first husband, Helmet vill show up, for sure. A good-hearted man, but he vas an arms dealer vhen I met him. Not veapons, darling, chreal arms. If you lost an arm, he’d replace it vith a guarantee tzat if anyzing, anyzing vent wrong, he’s come ofer and give you a hand.
I came to Hollywood vith my second husband, Gunter. He vas a movie director. He vas a genius, dahlings, but he had problems. He vas bow-legged, prone to fits, had trouble with his bowels. Tzey were alvays constricted. He choked to death. Poor devil.
You know to me, botox is tzhe new penicillin.
Look. I had Shnopsy bo-toxed from head to tail and look how good he looks. He’s furty seven and tzat’s NOT in dog years, in CHREGULAR years. I sent him to Keith Richards doctor and had his blood replaced. Efery bone in his body has been given by a donor animal, carefully selected from the pound. You look tired Shnopsy. Have a knap! (SHE HEARTLESSLY TOSSES THE LITTLE STUFFED, THOUGH LIFELIKE ANIMAL ON THE TABLE)
People vant to know vhy am I doing tzis TV show, vhy now?
I knew I had to come out of seclusion, when I vas walking through a store and saw my photograph on a package of... goat’s cheese. Chwritten under my picture were the vords, “Aged and Crusty. Schmell has been removed.” I called tzhe President of the Maple Farm Dairy. And said... in the voice I used in my movie, “DESTINY DIES A THOUSAND DEATHS.” Tzis is Gunda Von Hossen. And I am going to sue your dairy milk ass off”.
You know vhat he said to me? “Gunda?, You’re schtill alive? Where have you been?”
I told him I was in seclusion in a little Schpa in chRomania, vhere you get B 12 injections efery day in your nostrils. Oh it’s schnot for me, it’s for Shnopsy. I shpent the time there vittling avay my vaist. I always vanted a vasp sized vaist, like Wivian Leigh. I could hafe been, I should hafe been Shcarlett O’Hara in Gone Vith the Vind. My audition vas vonderful. (SHE DRAMATIZES THE MOVIE SCENE) “As God is my vitness, I’ll nefer go to HunGARy again.” (DOG BARKS) But tzey hired Wivian, not me. Vhy? She has a vasp-size vaist. I don’t. Vhat else could it be?
(DOG BARKING; SHE PICKS IT UP AND CUDDLES IT) Shnopsy, I missed you so. You are tzhe only man in my life. You are tzhe only one that has nefer left my side. (TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE FOR HER PITCH) Vatch us, efery Tuesday morning at 2AM on the Nostalgia Network. (PAUSE) But now, ve vant to be alone again. (SHE TURNS, SWEEPS HER CAPE AND MAKES A DRAMATIC EXIT)
MUSIC: UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (FLASHED ON SCREEN OR SET)
Sadly, Gunda’s show was not as popular as “The Osbournes.” or “The Anna Nicole Smith Show.”
Or even a test pattern.
She holds the record for the shortest run in television history.
Gunda’s show was cancelled during the very first commercial break.
It was replaced by stock footage of a bear scratching itself on a log.
The bear won the timeslot.
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