play: women who talk too much
MUSIC: CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC
V.O: (READ OLDER, & VERY FOLKSY) To continue our annual meeting, Cornelia Oglebottom has a few important announcements for our congregation.
Cornelia: (LITTLE OLD LADY SHUFFLES TO THE MICROPHONE) It’s so good to see all of you again. For those few congregants, who don’t know me, I’m Cornelia Oglebottom, Treasurer of this Trinity Anglican Church. And every Sunday night, I lead the bible study group. I am also addicted to pornography and the stock market.
Before I get to our financial report, I want to confront those ugly, vicious rumors that, somehow or other, I am involved in pornography. Well, I swear on the holy Bible, this is not true. I am not a participant in pornography; I’m merely a fan... thanks to Ernie Eves and the Conservative government of Ontario. They appointed me to the Etobicoke Film Review Board. You know, on my very first day at work, I was so thrilled because I got to screen that wonderful little film, “Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang.” I was so looking forward to that lovely part where Mary Poppins sings that sweet little ditty. Only to my amazement, it wasn’t her umbrella, she opened up. Goodness me, it was shocking! But the more I watched those heart wrenching little dirty videos of how people overcame life’s obstacles, the more addicted I became to watching them. There was always a happy ending. Oh! There was one video, where the young woman’s air conditioning broke down. It was stifling hot and she had no money to pay to fix it. Oh! What’s a girl to do?? Suddenly, on her doorstep, a handsome young man, very strapping, very hunky, wearing a tight t-shirt and cream-colored leotards turns up. And wouldn’t you know it, he has the part she needs, right on him and somehow, they managed. Such a happy ending.
Not so with the stock market.
Oh goodness me, (CHECKS CLOCK ON WALL), the market opened. (SHE TOTTERS TO HER DESK; SHE’S WEARING THE HANDS FREE EAR PHONES AND MIKE) I must call the broker right away. (SHE DIALS AND SHUFFLES HER PAPERS) Where are my papers?? Hello Rob. Cornelia Oglebottom. We need to review the statement. Look in the left column, all the stocks you bought for our orphan’s fund; Bre-x, Nortel, Enron, Implode and Fly By Night.Com. Well, they’re all in the crapper. (COVERS HER PHONE, TALKS TO AUDIENCE). You know, when I think about it, there are a lot of similarities between the stock market and pornography. All the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the humps and bumps, and then, everybody gets screwed. (PULLS PHONE MIKE BACK, TO TALK TO ROB) Now Rob, look at the right hand column, you see all that Worldcom stock you bought for us. You see how it was sky high and then fell like a stone to rock bottom; well, we’d like that to happen to your commissions.
Now sharpen your pencil young man. I will be making all the investment decisions from now on. (SHE STARTS TO ABSENT MINDEDLY DIDTHER AROUND)
Rob, I was watching Diane Francis on TV last night. Oh, I just love her hair do. She said, the interest rates are up and unemployment is down... or was it the unemployment is up and the interest rates are down. Well, it was one of the two. She said to buy Elco or was it Quellco... anyway, it has 4 letters, you’ll know what it is. (SHE JUMPS UP AND SCURRIES AROUND IN AN INTOXICATED INVESTING ZONE) Now, I want you to buy 4000 shares of C.I.M.H. What do you mean you’ve never heard of C.I.M.H.?
It’s the growth industry of the future. It’s a Christian porn site. WWW.(DOT) CHRIST, I’M HORNEY. (DOT) COM. I do my homework, unlike some people I know.
Here’s an article from the business section of the Globe and Mail. It reads “Porn calms Swedish seniors. In Stockholm, doctors at the Thor-ben, Gorp-ben, Storp-ben Nursing Home found pornography and prostitutes have a greater calming effect on their elderly patients than traditional drug therapy.
I say that if it’s good for the people in the Thor-ben, Gorp-ben, Storp-ben nursing home, then it’s good for you and me, Rob.
Rob, are you still there? Goodness gracious, he hung up on me.
But don’t worry, dear friends, you can put your trust in me. “I live by the good book and I keep good books”. I’d like to close with the quote from the scriptures that I read before making each of my financial decisions. (PAUSE AS SHE SEARCHES FOR IT) “The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
Buy low, sell high”
MUSIC UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (SHOWN ON SCREEN OR SET)
Cornelia convinced her entire congregation to invest heavily in christian pornography.
As a result they are all millionaires.
Rob, the stockbroker, is currently awaiting trial on charges of insider trading.
He plays golf regularly with Garth Drabinsky.
Cornelia has just begun a second career as a movie reviewer for the Christian Science Monitor.
Recent recommendations include: “On Golden Blonde” “My Big Fat Greek” and “I’m Not Feeling Myself Tonight.“Back to top