play: women who talk too much
MUSIC: DRUM ROLL
V.O.: And the award for best acting in a TV commercial goes to Yvette Mumu.
Yvette: (GUSHING, PUCKERED AND NAIVELY SEDUCTIVE BLONDE BOMBSHELL FLUTTERS & POSES UP TO THE MICROPHONE) I am... How (ow) you say in English... “flabbergasted” to win zee best act-ress award for my “Pick-le On A Stick” commercial.
Everrrytime I nibbled zhat little pick-le on TV, the hole world stopped to watch me “do it.” (PAUSE) Oooh oui! I like zhat. My acting coach, Bob Loblaw showed me what to do with zee pick-le.
It was so sim-pal. He say to me, “Yvette, just tink like a pick-le. What does zee pick-le want? (LONG CONFUSED PAUSE, THEN OVERWHELMING INSIGHT) To be eaten. I take zhis moteva-tion with me to the set. But when we start to shoot, zhey bring a le-ttle pick-le. (FURIOUS)I tell them, I cannot do my best work with a le-ttle biddy pick-le.
Zhen they bring me two pick-le at the same time. (INCENSED AND EMBARRASSED) No, I tell them. I, Yvette Mumu, do not do two pick-le at the same time.
You know, some of the pick-le are very long. Some are, ow you say in English... Chub-by.
Sometime the pick-le are too big for my mout. My mout, it only has so much room.
But when zhe camer-a roll, I tink of my moteva-tion: to be eaten, to be eaten, to be eaten. I infuse my whole body with zee hunger for zee... ow you say in English... zhe salty cucumber and zhen I ravage zee little ger-kin. (PAUSE, THEN SHE FLIRTS WITH AUDIENCE) Oh, you really, really like me... Noo! (MUSIC COMES UP TO FORCE HER OFFSTAGE; SHE RUSHES TO SAY SOMETHING PROFOUND & NEWSWORTHY BEFORE SHE LEAVES; SHE FLIPS TO A SERIOUS MOOD)
I need to say zhis.
(PULLS PAPER FROM HER CHEST & READS)
I condemn all zoze peop-les responsi-ble for global warm-ing. Right now, zhey need to sign zee coyo-te ports of call (The Kyoto Protocol). No really, tink about it, if zee global warm-ing gets worse, you will not have any pick-les to pick from the pick-le trees anymore and zhat is so sad.
(GETS MORE DRAMATIC) I dedi-cate zhis award to all zhose actres-ses with phoney accents who came before me, and who could not break through the glass (POINTS TO THE CEILING)... ow you say in English... roof cover.
You know, I never had to work hard for my lucky break, tanks to the executives at Pickle On A Stick. You guys gave it to me first. (MUSIC UP, SHE BACKS OFF STAGE, THROWING KISSES) Merci beaucoup.
MUSIC: UP AND FADES UNDER EPILOGUE
EPILOGUE WITH V.O. (FLASHED ON SCREEN OR SET)
The success of Yvette’s “pickle on a stick” commercial sent her career soaring.
She has now appeared in commercials for Oscar Meyer wieners, Purdy’s popsicles and Teste’s tonsil ticklers.
In her spare time, she takes night classes at Ryerson Polytechnical Institute in global feminism and empowerment.
She has developed a huge cult following.
A picture of her using a garden hose to siphon gas has become the most downloaded image on the internet.
She is working on her autobiography, “I am what I eat.”
Yvette has now written one more book than she has ever read.Back to top